Photo Credit to Brad Knight
Words have always been the way I process my thoughts. A pen and paper can help me make sense of so many things in life. Thoughts just swirl around in my brain, not settling long enough to register, before they race away and the space is filled for a moment with another.
So words on a page, thoughts brought into the open, help me to understand myself. To know what I am feeling, and to judge where my thoughts are taking me in the wrong direction.
Our life has changed quite a bit recently. We shared the exciting news that we are expecting a baby! What?! We are so happy and excited about what the future will hold.
But through it all, I have had no words. None. I have felt the intensity of emotion that comes with excitement and worry and nervousness and hope. But when I open my journal or go to type a blog… there is nothing. It’s like I have nothing to say.
But the thing is, I have always had a plan. Always had an idea of where I thought we could be heading. I have processed through so much anxiety over the past year about my job and my purpose and where I was heading. Dealt with the fear that I was never going to get where I wanted to go. Been terrified about how I would fulfill my purpose here without being able to really figure out what it was. Constantly strategizing… go back to school, start my own business venture, look for other opportunities. It was almost obsessive
Then I found out I was pregnant. It’s not that it was a surprise… but it still felt like a surprise to me. In my mind, I had come up with an uncommunicated plan. A set of expectations for myself, that I needed to accomplish before being allowed to dream of motherhood. I had to make something of myself. Accomplish something that my child could be proud of. Create an identity that would give my child an answer, other than be a mom, for what I do. I needed to get myself together.
We had already planned on adopting, mostly because I really feel strongly about the idea of adopting. It is such a strong picture of Christ’s love to us. But also deep down I just didn’t believe that I would become pregnant, even if we tried. Why would I? What had I done to be worthy of that?
When the time came, I put off going to the doctor with so many excuses. Some of it was real, but a lot of it was fear. What if I was wrong? What if I was right?
I was convinced that my doctor was going to tell me it was all in my head, even though all the logical signs pointed to pregnancy. Or that they were going to tell me that I had lost it early. Because I knew that I hadn’t kept my end of the imaginary bargain. God must know that I wasn’t near ready yet. I didn’t deserve to be a mom. I hadn’t proved myself, or made something of myself. Why would I get a baby?
But there it was on the screen. And I could hear the heartbeat strong and loud. And I think it was that moment that I lost my words. Because my life had just changed drastically.
In one moment, God had given me this beautiful but exceedingly overwhelming gift, and had stripped me of the expectation that I had felt the need to chain my life to.
I didn’t need to earn the right to things that I wanted in life. I merely had to ask for them. There were many times in my life that God’s answer was no. And I interpretted that as a “not until you hold up your end of the bargain.” But in this instance it was a yes to a request that I was too scared to even ask. I didn’t even entertain the idea of asking because I knew in my heart that the answer would be no. Why would it be yes?
So I have always had a plan, or a general direction I wanted to head. And now I don’t. All those things that I was looking to to fulfill me seem less pressing. Because I feel like God has given me permission to be a mom. I am so many things, but it never seemed like enough to take on this title.
The crazy thing is that I know now more than ever that nothing is based on our merit or what we do. Because I know many women who I think would be stellar moms. Like they were made for it. And some of those women are struggling with infertility. And we all know that there are many women who get blessed with children who do not seem even aware of what a blessing they are. There does not seem to be a rhyme or reason to this blessing. And in that we must conclude that it is all about God’s ultimate purpose. He has a reason for giving or withhold that is so much deeper than us. Because blessings of any kind are not about being deserved or earned. They are solely a gift of God to bestow for the ultimate good of His perfect plan for the world. Not just for our world.
But the Lord gives and takes away as He pleases. And for now He has given this to me. I can’t believe it. And as unprepared as I feel, I know He will give me the strength to do whatever is needed. Or more accurately the strength to lean on Him as I figure it out.