A Punch to the Gut
You will not be put to shame. On repeat over and over in my mind.
The struggle to make decisions is real. Paralyzing at times. The constant analyzing, mind-changing and just overall anxiety is exhausting. And to top it off, I just feel so much pressure to be confident in a decision. I am a grown adult for goodness sake. It should not be this hard to make a decision. However, difficult it is.
The root could be so many things. People pleasing. The need for security. But most recently, I believe the root is just a lack of trust in who God is.
Amid a season of making lots of decisions, I woke up one day with a physical sensation of fear. I thought that it was my chest that was tight. So I took many deep and slow breaths to loosen the feeling in my lungs. But to no avail. The tightness remained. Then as I took a long walk to clear my head, I realized that the sensation didn’t seem to be in my chest at all. It was in my gut. My core was tight and tense. The feeling felt familiar somehow. It was the feeling you get when you tighten your abs in anticipation of a punch.
Did any of you have brothers or boy cousins? Sometimes we would play a “game” to prove to was stronger? One would tighten their abs and tell you to punch them in the stomach as hard as you could. Then, of course, the girls would jump in too, because we can’t be left out. But did you ever punch too early? The result was much different. It hurt so much and took quite a while to recover. The force would truly knock all the wind out of you, and if you weren’t careful could knock the recipient fully to the ground.
You never want to be taken off guard. You never want to be weak. It sometimes seems easier to anticipate a blow, than to be taken off guard.
That anticipation of a blow was exactly the feeling I was sensing within me. Like my body was getting ready for something unknown coming in the future. I was waiting for the next punch that life would throw. I didn’t want to be caught unaware. I didn’t want to be knocked down.
Somewhere deep inside I realized that this came from my false view of God at that moment. I felt like I had so many decisions and responsibilities on my shoulders. And that if I did not handle them exactly right, that God would be waiting with a punishment. If I wasn’t super careful that I could in one small decision destroy everything.
One phrase from Psalms that came to mind. God will not allow His people to be put to shame. And immediately I knew that was what I was fearing. Failure, shame, and destruction.
God is not a vengeful God. He is not rooting for His children to fail. He is full of grace and patience. He generously gives wisdom. He does discipline us when we make mistakes, but it is always with a goal of restoration and love. We will experience pain and the consequences of our sin when we do fail, but ultimately, in the end, He will restore us in eternity as sons and daughters of the King.
We will not be put to shame. We may be redirected, disciplined, or even wronged by the world. But God will never leave us nor forsake us. He will never vindictively punish us or remove himself from us out of spite. He is not rooting for us to fail. Or apathetic to our struggles.
He is ever-present. He is kind and generous. He is willing to correct and restore us. He is all-knowing and all-powerful, willing and able to use our weaknesses and failures for the good of His Kingdom.
So if you need a reminder today, God is for us.
And if you have a pit in your stomach waiting for life to throw the next blow, remember that God has won the victory and has put everything under His feet. We may falter and fall, but we will not be conquered.
He is good and He has won.
