Looking back on a year

It has been a year. You are a whole year old. You laugh and play and eat. You are such a delight.

In some ways we still see you as our tiny little baby. I remember the moment that I realized you weren’t a premie anymore. You were just you. 

I feel overwhelmed by you. Both you and your brother. You are both more than I could ask for in so many ways.

It was almost a year ago today that I dropped Micah off at daycare, told him specifically that I would be back soon, and drove to an ultrasound appointment.

6 hours later I find my self at a different hospital in a different city admitted for what was hopefully just a night. 

It was such a whirlwind, getting out of the car by myself and walking into a hospital I had never been into, with nurses that didn’t really know I was coming, leaving Joshi to wait outside hoping they would let him in because… pandemic.

After being sent back and forth over the hospital, I was admitted, tested for Covid, received another ultrasound, and waited for my husband to be cleared to come up. 

For the next few hours we sat trying to process what was happening. Joshi was trying to find a Walgreens open for a phone charger and a nurse was kind enough to get the doctor to let me eat something because I did not have to technically be fasted until midnight. It’s funny what little details you remember, and what falls away.

I’ll spare you the details of the next morning but after spending a couple of hours the next day convincing ourselves that we could still in fact go on that weekend trip with our siblings, Eden decided to make her arrival. 

It was difficult to process. I had her months earlier than expected by emergency c-section, in a different hospital even farther from home. This time with a child at home to care for who can’t be with us for many reasons, most of all Covid. And this time we were looking at a stay that could be much longer and more involved than with our first child. 

But the Lord is good. He provides even if it’s not what you would have wanted.

Eden took strides every day. We didn’t experience what so many do, with ups and downs and unknowns.

We got into our own routine. We knew the door staff and the nurses and the doctors. We found a new, temporary normal in the hospital. Which some days made me sad because this shouldn’t feel normal in any way.

But it was what she needed.

We got to hold her when she was 7 days old. Only one of us for 30 mins, because it would negatively effect her numbers to be out of the incubator for longer than that. It took about 2.5 hours for all the staff that was needed to move her to be available. But it was so sweet to finally hold her.

We remember the days that we would walk in and our nurse would hurry over to see if we noticed a piece of equipment being removed, one more step toward going home.

One day we walked into the entry way and we’re told we needed to go in through the other security door because Eden had been moved to the “growing and gaining” side, meaning she was out of the woods for severe setbacks. Every little

Eat milestone was a celebration of sorts.

The day we got to leave was surreal. Saying goodbye to our nurses. Getting all our paperwork. My brother and him fiancé spent his birthday date sitting near the hospital waiting to meet us as we left. 

There were so many realities that were not what you normally picture for the first month of your child’s life. But I have come to realize that normal is not real. Every situation has its joys and complications. Every story tells of God’s glory.

I am learning to hold expectations loosely in some many areas, but to take joy in the realities. 

It’s funny because by the grace of God I don’t look back on that experience with a whole lot of sadness. There were so many hopeful moments, so many helpful people. We had less physical support do to Covid restrictions, but the emotional support was incredible. 

I honestly feel like I did not truly believe in the power of prayer until that experience. I know that so much of Eden’s progress was because of the faithful prayer of those around us. While faithful prayer does not always lead to healing, I know that the Lord heard those prayers and chose to honor them for His glory. 

While it was so hard to be away from my son, I am even able to look back at that time with some fondness. I still have a hard time hearing birth stories or seeing pictures of moms and babies in the hospital, but we got to be with our baby and God was faithful.

Driving through the city the other day. We passed the Ronald McDonald house where we lived. We passed our hospital and could see the window we stood at. And I felt grateful. We don’t get to choose so much of life, and there are so many different directions it could have gone. We were so blessed beyond measure.