In October, we raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss. I have had years to think on it, and at least 15 days to formulate any sort of thoughts on the topic. It would be easier to let it pass by. But also, it is worth sharing about, because each life lost even before we meet them is precious and valuable.
Our baby girl, Mara Joy went to be with the Lord before we got to meet her. She was with us for 21 weeks, and while most of those weeks were filled with anxiety and fear, they were still precious because life is precious.
She is not with us, but will forever be a part of our family. I never know how to share about her, because there is so much to say. And yet so much to hold close. But she was a life that was given by God to us as a gift. I am forever changed because she existed.
Her name, Mara Joy, holds much meaning. Mara is what Naomi tells Ruth to call her in the Book of Ruth, as it means bitter or sorrowful. Mara Joy encompasses the bitter sweet season that we had with her. Very little of my time with her was filled with joy, as I navigated fear and disbelief. But the Lord taught us that joy can be had in the midst of pain. Joy is not the denial of pain, but joy can redeem it.
Marking loss is so complex. There is the day she was lost. Or the day she was expected to arrive. The month set aside to remember her. But so many others that sneak up on me.
3 years out and I am finally allowing God to teach me his heart for the suffering. So, while this is not a study in grief, let me share some of my.(maybe disjointed) thoughts as I walk hand in hand with the Lord.
In my grief journey, I kept finding myself reasoning away grief. Looking for an appropriate time to feel it. Rationing my feelings until there was a safe and convenient place to feel them. To examine them and give them a place to exist. There is no “appropriate time” if you are looking for one. The moment they present themselves is appropriate enough. The existence of grief is not shameful or burdensome. It is a precious thing to steward.
Some people wear their heart on their sleeve. And maybe they want a reprieve from the emotions that well up unexpectedly. Some might struggle to identify and acknowledge their feelings for any number of reasons. Perhaps they crave a way to release all that feels out of reach.
Grieving happens in a myriad of ways. No ones grief journey will look like someone else’s journey.
The Lord is patient. And He is kind.
There is no shame in grief. Jesus himself was a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief”. We cannot empathize with the grief that He endured, but He sure can empathize with ours. He does not elevate Himself above us, but lowers Himself to wrap His arms around us in our hurt.
He is not ashamed that we are broken. He collects our tears in His hand. He is near to the broken hearted and the crushed in spirit.
Jesus Himself wept at the death of Lazarus. He is the embodiment of strength. Yet even in that He did not position Himself as a pillar of strength or stoicism for Martha, but He made Himself soft. He wept with her and for her, instead of explaining away her grief. He did not grieve without hope, because He knew the redemption coming. But He grieved still the brokenness of the world and the pain of us who are subject to it. Grief was not God’s design.
We have a high priest that sympathizes with us in our sorrow. He is our Savior that came to save us from death because it was not his plan. He has defeated death in eternity, but still cherishes the tears we cry in the here and now. Not just over death, but over sickness or infertility or division or turmoil. Over natural disasters and relational conflicts. Over those who stray from the faith and those who have not yet heard the good news. That is no pain that is not acutely felt by our savior. There is no sorrow in which he weighs on a scale and finds unworthy. He bore all things on the cross including the sharp pain of our sin. And he bears all things as He intercedes on our behalf at the right hand of the Father.
Our grief and pain are significant to our Savior. But I also know that to choose joy in not to overlook or deny pain. It is in fact a way to redeem it.
He gives us grace upon grace. A double measure of His love and kindness. Salvation and restoration. Healing and redemption. We do not need to fear sorrow, worrying that if we go too low, that we will never find a way back to the mountain top. We do not need to stay low for the sake of validating our pain. We can walk hand in hand with the Savior who cries with us in our pain, not rushing us out of our grief. But offers an extra helping of joy and security on the other side.
He offers common grace to point our eyes to the beauty He promises on the other side of a broken world. To acknowledge our grief allows us to cling tighter to hope. Because in grief and sorrow the light of Heaven shines brighter than ever.
