Gratitude Over Guilt
For so many years of my life I lived with low level guilt that rarely went away. Especially when I received help. Or a gift. Or really anything at all.
I spent a great deal of time trying to need less to avoid the feeling. But in actuality to exist is to be needy. So I tried to make myself smaller and smaller until I no longer had need, or demanded attention, or really inconvenienced anyone at all. And it seems so noble and humble. But it really is just selfish.
Lately I have experienced by the grace of God a situation in which my first response to help has been gratitude. I wish it were always the first, but it is not. My first reaction is often guilt/shame.
Guilt is a prison. It is stifling. My guilt came from having need. It came from not responding in kind. From feeling as if I am unable to repay the debt (sometimes because I don’t have the resources or abilities, but more often than not because I am unwilling to part with them).
A few times lately there were moments of clarity. As if the Lord rescued me from my tendency for guilt and removed the temptation. Guilt was replaced with gratitude which was so freeing. So empowering.
Guilt comes from survival. From a need to conserve and preserve. From a need to control what goes out by controlling what comes in. Help feels uncontrollable because it is outside of you.
Gratitude comes from abundance. Not an abundance of things or resources. But from knowing that while I have need and lack, I have access to all I ever will need in Christ and through His body, the church.
Gratitude does not turn you inward. It turns you outward, freeing you from what you do or do not have. Gratitude and the feeling that I will always have what I need (even if it’s through the help of others) motivated me to do the same. Not to just repay what had been done to me, but so others will feel loved and cared for as I do.
In the past I tried to make myself small in order to not “get in people’s way”. This felt like the most loving thing. But it was really the most selfish thing. We were not made to avoid people. We were not made to be self-sufficient. Or even to pour out without allowing others to do the same.
We were made for unity in Christ. Not getting out of each other’s way, but for being in each other’s lives. We are made to be an inconvenience and to be inconvenienced. We are made to share all that the Lord gives us because it isn’t ours and it will not run out.
In Christ, I must lean into others' lives. To help and share and inconvenience myself, but I must also allow others to live out that calling for me. We are to carry each other’s burdens, which means I must hand mine over some times. I must accept help, and offer help in return. I must not assume that people want to be left alone, but with discernment look for ways to lean in toward them.
The best way to be in relationship with others is not to make yourself small. Not to shrink and isolate and be an island.The best way to be in relationship is to take up as much space as God has determined for you and allow others to do the same. To rely on the Lord sometimes means relying on others. Allowing some trusted people into your life. Letting them see your sin and mess and allowing them to speak the truth of God into it. To rely on the Lord is to put yourself out there to truly care for others. To rely on the Lord is to allow Him to provide for you physically and emotionally through others.
So let’s replace guilt for gratitude. Let’s not run from need, but embrace it, ours and others. Let’s be Christ to one another, and allow others to be Christ to us. Because all we give and receive comes from the Lord.
