First Comes Love

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage.

Who didn’t sing this little song as a kid? It seemed to sum up all that was ahead for us in a fun little rhyme.

First love

Then Marriage

Than a baby in a baby carriage.

What a neat little story!

And yet, I am left to wonder… what after the baby?? The original author did not feel the need to expound on what life after baby might look like. Or maybe the writer chose not to tackle a season so complex.

My husband and I have been parents for 5 3/4 years according to our son. Not long in the grand scheme of things. But long enough that we have to really think about what it was like before kids, all 3 of them that we have now.

What did we talk about at dinner? How did we spend our Saturdays? Why didn’t we go out more?

My son is 5 (and three quarters) and the other day I finally realized that I should make him a dentist appointment. With 3 kiddos many things seem more overwhelming than they are, so I often rely on my husband with little questions that feel big to me in the moment. Little questions like, “where in the world should I take Micah for a dentist appointment?”

“Why don’t you call the dentist office across the street?” He said simply. And so I did.

So we drove across the street only because it was below freezing and took a seat in the hygienist chair with a lovely view of our front yard.

At the end of the appointment the dentist walked in and exclaimed, “oh its you! You’re the family across the street! We have watch you guys all the time. You started with your puppies, then a baby, and then another, and another!”

And unbeknownst to me the sweet ladies across the street had been witness to the transformation of our family over the years. They smiled at our celebrations, watch probably 1000 games of baseball, and might have perceived a few of our heartbreaks. But you can only tell so much from the outside looking in.

Before having kids, those ladies across the street probably saw my husband and I walking our dogs. Strolling together holding hands and holding leashes.

I have always been a walker. Being a person prone to shutting down and shutting out, the best way to get me out of my head is to get my legs moving. And the best way to connect with someone else is to walk and talk with them. Over the years I have had many a friend who knew my love language was walking and talking. Late at night around my neighborhood. Early mornings before heading off to work. Meet me on my lunch break and do a couple laps around the park.

So when meeting my husband I naturally pictured leisurely walks around campus. Walks at night after dinner. Then family walks pushing that baby in the baby carriage. Later walking behind my son on a bike while the others toddle along beside.

Always hand in hand with my husband. The love of my life.

Many a seasoned couple in our lives walk together daily… chatting, praying, and just being. Something I can get jealous of if I am honest. I often look at my husband and ask after our kids are grown and gone if we can be one of those couples that walk together.

“Of course, babe! I’d love that.”

With babies comes a connectedness that I could have never predicted. We are tied together by a little being that is equal parts me and my husband. We went from being a couple to being parents. Partners in a whole new way. One that was a blessing, but also an adjustment. A shift from caring for each other, another adult who is able to take care of themselves and express gratitude and affection, To caring for a dependent child who expresses affection but understandably does not reciprocate care.

Now we are working together to care for our tiny little creation.

Our connectedness increased but our proximity to each other shifted.

Long walks can be tricky if not impossible with a newborn.  In the early stages of parenthood, supporting one another is not walking together side by side, but is often dividing and conquering. Sleeping in shifts instead of next to each other. One doing chores will the other feed the baby. One running errands with the older kids while the other tries to take a nap.

You can very much be in it together while barely seeing each other at all.

“If we can finish dinner in time, maybe we can all go for a walk later,” my husband mentions on one of the long midwest evenings that demand to be enjoyed before the long winter sets in.

“That’s a great idea,!” I say. Followed by “We will see how it goes.” Which has become a mantra of sorts in the little kids years. Managing expectations has become my biggest weapon against disappointment.

Inevitably dinner will run long, either because of a picky eater who drags their feet or because I took much longer than anticipated to prepare it. Often I will remember at the very last minute that they need a bath before bed. (If this is the case the situation was likely dire, as I am prone to put it off as long as possible.) At times my husband has needed to work late, or my son will beg for a game of baseball instead of a walk. A fun alternative, but one that will never replace my love for a good walk. You can’t hold hands playing baseball.

In some stages of parenthood, the best you can do is drop onto the same couch exhausted after a long day. If you make the mistake of sitting opposite in the living room, you can bet that neither will have the energy to get up and move no matter how much you want to sit next to each other.

There will be times coming I’m told when even sitting next to each other at dinner be replaced by sitting next to each other in the stands at a kids sporting event or swapping cars to drop off at practices or rehearsals.

Soon after that our evenings might be much quieter. While we once were stuck in the house due to early bedtimes, we might soon be glued to our phones waiting for a late night phone call or staying up to hear the kids walk in the door at curfew.

Now I can see why the song stopped so abruptly at the baby carriage. Not many would have the time to get through the amount of verses needed to describe the complex journey of love after babies.

Always in it together, and yet not always together. No matter what your love language loving your partner after kids always requires some acts of service. Quality time has to come before quantity time. Moments together might not be long walks after dinner, but sips of coffee together while the kids watch Bluey for the 200th time.

One day the kids will be grown and we will once again find ourselves in a quiet house. Dinner will be easier to make and easier to clean up. We will be able to sneak out for a walk without worrying about strollers or carriers. We will hold hands and not wipe any noses or clean up a scrapes.

And we will enjoy every second of it, learning once again how to have a conversation that doesn’t get interrupted with “Dad, watch this!” or “Mom, I’m thirsty.”

Love after raising babies can return again to dates and quality time and eye contact over dinner. Love after babies will not be the same as newly wed love. But it will be matured and shaped by life’s twists and turns. Any journey brings new perspective, and  love is made all the richer for it.

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Ours".