When just as you are, feels not good enough

My journal and I have been in a relationship for quite some time.  I have had a tendency in the past to take obsessive notes. Like probably transcribed a whole sermon as a kid because I didn’t quite understand the point of note taking.  But it has always been therapeutic for me. Writing helps me to process. To get words on the page in a logical order instead of bouncing around in my head like ping pong balls.

But lately, I have found my journal a little neglected.  And I hadn’t really noticed.  

That isn’t the only thing neglected.  I have always been pretty good about getting up in the morning and spending some time with the Lord.  It has been a comforting ritual in many seasons. The quiet of the morning with my bible and journal (and coffee and breakfast of course) have kept me centered and focused for years.

That habit has been neglected as of late as well.  I would like to blame it on the baby. Often he wakes up right before the early alarm I set.  No matter what time that alarm is. But other time it’s the pull of efficiency in the morning hours.  A pull to instagram. Or the dishes. Or lunch packing. Important things. Lesser things. More urgent things.

So I walked into Sunday morning service today and breathed deep.  For half of the first song, I felt a little distracted. Not mentally ready to put away the chaos of the past hour at home.  And a little guilty that I walked into service completely unprepared. My heart had not had any attention that morning. I came in feeling that I needed to receive, and felt unable to give.  And the Lord met me in that. The words brought tears, not of sadness or heaviness. Not even guilt. They were tears of relief. Relief to stand in the presence of God. To be safe in the face of a mighty, but merciful Savior.  To be allowed to lay it all down in that moment. To not be shamed for my lack of discipline but welcomed in like a friend. He had not kept count of my righteous acts that week. He just embraced me where I was. And in the grace, even in my weakness and lack, I felt able to pour out the praise He deserved.  Not because I had the power to praise Him on my own, but because He reminded me of who He was and allowed me to praise.

God honors daily time spent with Him.  We need it. But this season has challenged me.  In some ways time with Him had become a ritual of sorts.  A way for me to meet with Him on my terms. To meet with Him, take what He has to give me, and go about my tasks for the day.  Almost like a meeting with the boss at the beginning of the work week. “Now here is what to do, go figure out how to do it.” 

Just like my journal.  I began to use my journal as a way to work through God’s truth on my own. To use my own logic and reasoning to form an understanding that I could take and apply to my life.  On my own. To package what I believed so that I could inpart it to others.  

Lately I have been feeling a pull to put my journal away.  To look up. To not let anything distract me from time with Jesus.  Just Him and I. None of my tools that help me to feel in control. Just to be with Him.  Let Him speak to my soul. Speak through scripture. Not to write out my prayers in all their thought out wording and grammar.  But just to speak with Him.  

Writing hasn’t come easy to me lately.  Not because I haven’t been learning and processing a lot.  I have. But I don’t know how to communicate it. Or what even needs to be communicated. There aren’t many things that have been resolved.  Or tied up with a nice bow. I am not even sure what God has been doing in me. But I feel Him doing it. I see glimpses. I feel the rearranging of my soul.  But in many ways God hasn’t clued me in yet. He hasn’t let me see the picutre He is painting. 

That is freeing. Just because He is walking along side me always doesn’t mean I am clued in to everything He is choosing to do in me.  I think many times we assume that God gives us the tools to do the work. But honestly we are the work. A lump of clay cannot mold itself.  So sometimes we just need to give in to the molding. To not try and understand everything. To just trust and surrender. To say I need you.  To just let the transformation happen. To not be like a toddler, slapping His hands away and saying “I’ll do it”.

We can’t do it. We can put ourselves in a position to be transformed. We can have a heart attitude that is teachable. But the Lord must do it. And when we feel like we have less than what is needed to offer, He will come through with the rest.