Photo by Eric Floberg(http://ericfloberg.com)
So they say the first year is the hardest. It hasn’t quite been a year yet, but the closer I get the more I have been able to flush out this idea.
Now, everyone has different experiences. Everyone comes into marriage at a different place and with different experiences.
I can say that the first year was not easy. But if someone asked me in conversation if the first year was hard, my gut reaction would most likely be no. I love marraige! I love waking up next to my husband. I love sharing space and being silly together. Marriage for us has not been easy. There are trials and growing pains and misunderstandings, but I would not go as far as to say hard.
Mostly, I can say that is because of expectation. Pre-marriage, if someone said marriage is hard, I had a completely different understanding of what that meant. “Hard” or difficult carried a negative connotation. Things that are supposed to be difficult had to be bad. Difficult painted a picture of screaming and fighting, or tears and anger. Difficult seemed to lead to a desire to quit. Or a regret of your decision.
But that is NOT what it means at all. Marriage is difficult. But I hesitate to describe it that way to others for fear of being misunderstood. Marriage is beautiful. It’s tricky. Meshing 2 lives takes some effort. But the result is so worth it all. All the misunderstandings are opportunities to learn more about each others. All the different preferences are opportunities to lay down our separate lives and build something new.
Just as lifting weights is difficult, so is marriage. We don’t lift because we enjoy the pain that comes with it. But we choose to do it, because we love the results.
These things don’t just happen. They take compromise and sacrifice. Neither of those things come naturally. But we learn, and realize that the sacrifices and compromise have created a new normal. A normal that is different than either of us would have had before, but now is completely ours. Is this hard? Yes. Is there some battling and grieving involved? Yes.
But is it worth it? Absolutely!
I make coffee differently now. He eats dinner earlier. I buy groceries differently, and he has become a morning person. He loves time with people, so I have gained new friends. I like quiet and he has learned to value time at home. Our holidays look differently now because we have new families. He bought tools for Christmas so that he can learn to build things like my dad.
So yes, the first year of marriage is hard. But even more than that, it is fun and beautiful and enjoyable. It is setting the stage for a lifetime. It’s learning to communicate effectively. And learning what works for you as a couple. It’s different and interesting and so rewarding. It teaches grace, humility (especially when you’re wrong, but you don’t feel like you are wrong) and understanding.
These lessons will take years, even decades to learn fully, but the first year is a good step in the right direction.
It has taught me that I have way more ugliness inside than I ever thought, especially when I realized the person that was screaming in our house out of anger was in fact me. Or when I am pouting about not getting my way. Or when I choose to be sullen and silent instead of answering my husband’s questions about my feelings. And in that there is great healing. And a deeper understanding of the way God loves us in the midst of our sin.
Marriage is hard. And if it weren’t, marriage wouldn’t be nearly as good.