It's Ok to Ask

I have this bad habit.  More times than I like to admit, I stop my husband in the middle of whatever he is doing and ask, “do you love me?”

He always answers the same way, with enthusiasm, and a little sadness in his eyes,  “Of course I love you… Don’t you know?”

Of course I know.  I have no doubt. He tells me often, and shows me in a million different ways.  Try as I might, I have trouble explaining that whenever I ask that question, it is not because I don’t feel loved.  But almost 100% of the time because I don’t feel loveable. It has nothing to do with how he loves me. It does however have a lot to do with how I see myself.  

In the past I have let my feelings affect the way I view and interact with God.  I allowed my emotions to push and pull me in a million different directions, always affecting the perspective I had on Him.  And then I have struggled with legalism, always needing to do the right thing, say the right thing, believe the right thing, pray the right thing, etc. in an effort to be in right standing with God.  

Lately, I have tried to apply truth in moments where I feel challenged.  To combat doubts and negative feelings with scripture and Words of God. To set my eyes on things above, and to help my heart navigate back to truth.  

So in moments of weakness, I feel like I taught myself to dig my feet in, brace myself against what I felt like was an onslaught of feelings, and speak truth to myself.

You are loved

You are redeemed

You are chosen and saved

He will never leave you or forsake you

He has provided everything you need for love and good deeds

He sees you

And it helps.  His Words never come back void.  They are the belt buckle of truth that holds us upright.  

But in some ways it felt just like another defense mechanism.  After awhile it all felt too heavy, too hard to muster up belief.  Too hard to once again try and grasp for the Armor of God. And once again, I felt like a failure.  I had all the tools. All the right words. I had “everything I need”, and it didn’t feel like enough.  

And I was ashamed.

Then one day, I was faced with something that hurt.  It seemed like someone had once again got what I wanted (enter an instinctive “you have everything you need”).  Once again, I wondered if God had forgotten me. I dug deep for something to hold onto. I unearthed a few things that seemed to apply.  Things that are very true, and should give me peace. That He hems us in behind and before. He planned good things for us from the beginning.  He knows all our days. But it was as if they were truths that weighed too much. I tried with all my might to pick them up and carry them with me, but I couldn’t.  It was too hard to believe truth on my own.  

In that moment, in my heart, I asked “God do you see me?”  It was the question that I had been searching for an answer to a moment before.  One that I was ashamed to ask because I already knew the answer. One I didn’t want to ask because I felt like it implied that God was at fault.  He wasn’t. He did everything on His end to make me feel seen, cared for, heard, loved, and cherished. He was already doing it all perfectly. But I couldn’t see it.  I needed Him to show me again.

In that moment of weakness and vulnerability, many of the Truths of scripture I had been digging for that had just not felt enough came to mind.  They were not new revelations. They were no more complete now than a few minutes prior.  

But in that moment, I did not feel like I was digging for my own truth.  I felt like they were God’s answer to me specifically. Because I asked. Because I wasn’t any longer trying to be strong enough on my own.  I wasn’t trying to not bother Him with my problems. I wasn’t trying to suck it up and fix it myself. The Truth that I had been using in the past was His.  Powerful and living. But He is the one who gives it life. And I had been trying to use it on my own, without Him. 

So now in times of struggle, I want to search out Truth, but I also want to search out God.  I want to allow Him to lead me.  

Some moments He puts His Word on you heart and in your mouth.  And sometimes, He gives us the opportunity to ask Him for it.