Quiet Amidst the Noise

I can’t think straight anymore. Someone asked a few months back, if I was still writing.My response was “Not right now, most of the time I can’t even think straight.”

Life is full. This stage of life is supposed to be. It’s full of life. Full of noise, and tasks, and opportunities.

And it’s loud.

These days are not meant to be quiet. They are meant to be brimming with energy and giggles. Full of feet stomping across the floor and bins of toys being spilled out onto the ground. The sound of the coffee grinder with Paw patrol in the background or made up songs.

The tasks are equal parts monotonous (dishes, laundry, and sweeping the endless crumbs off the floor), and chosen (making cookies, cleaning up lego creations, and buttoning Spider-Man costumes).

It’s beautiful and brimming with life.

Opportunities to go to the library or the museum in the middle of the day are not lost in me. A luxury for the stay at home mom. Play dates and groups and classes. All the things that are just asking to fill up our long days at home.

The noise is continuous.

The tasks are endless.

The opportunities are constant.

It all just starts like a whirlwind and keeps going until my eyes close every night. And I would choose it any day.

But to also feel like I am choosing me, I add to the noise. A podcast in my ears that makes me feel relevant. An audio book to decompress. Even instagram stories to make me feel like I’m connecting with the outside world. Worship music to try to remind me of truth.

But the multitasking makes the noise ring in my ear. It doesn’t come together in a pleasant melody. It all clashes together like noisy gong or clanging cymbal.

And often I add to the noise with my frustrated voice or my own internal commentary. It’s all too loud.

And then I stop and think “God, I can’t hear you. Why can’t I hear you?”

Because it’s too loud. You aren’t listening.

The kids noises, the laughter and the tears, are God given. The household noises are all part of the beauty of the life given.

But I’m realizing I add unnecessary extras, not out of enjoyment, but as part of a quest to find purpose beyond my current circumstances. As if the purpose I have been gifted is not enough.

I split my ears between podcasts and read alouds. I drown the post bedtime quiet in Netflix. I don’t make room to listen. I lend my ear to lesser things. I make the sacred compete with the superficial.

For this season, I need to recognize the things I do out of striving. The extras that I feel pressure to include in my life for the sake of an illusion of moving myself forward. To what? I don’t know.

But why do I need to move forward? Life is already moving forward regardless.

Now is the time to be present. And be listening. To trust the future to the Lord. To rest and rejoice in the life I am living, even in the chaos and clutter.  Not to be so preoccupied with moving ahead that I don’t listen to the Lord in here and now. I’m not learning to recognize His voice. Because the Lord is not preoccupied in the future, because He Is sanctifying us in the here and now. And He is doing it in the context of the life He has given us.

So I have been mindful of choosing quiet in the midst of the noise, and tune my ear to the still small voice, which commands my attention if I turn my ear to it.

Because if I listen or not, the Lord is speaking. But He lovingly urges us to turn our attention to Him once again.