Timecard

I have never worked a job as a salaried employee, with the exception of a short stint in ministry where I raised my own funds. But with even more of a desire to be faithful to the generosity of my support team and an extended plunge into the hourly world, I still planned my schedule in 8-5 increments, needing to account for at least 8 productive “working hours” a day.  

I mentally walked through my schedule hour by hour, mentally filling in my time clock at the end of the day. The idea of working less some days and working more other days was no  consolation on the days when appointments canceled and I felt like I didn’t get it all in. 

This mindset extended to my time on my “off hours” wanting to make sure I accounted for those fleeting moments too. Nothing should be wasted.  If anyone asked I should always have an answer for what I accomplished and how well it went. If anyone asked (not that they would) my bed was made, my dinner was cooked, laundry was done, kitchen was swept…. Oh and I planned an acceptable 4 social outings for the week. 

I wouldn’t even say that I lived my life like a checklist.  It felt more like a timecard. Something to fill out an offer as a proof of my worth and value.  To prove that I was productive enough to be valuable.  That I was a good steward.  That I was worth it… whatever it was. “Here look, I made myself useful.”

I wake up in the morning mentally running through what to do that day. Never bored because my brain will not quit telling me what I could or should be doing.  No moment wasted. Anxious  about if I am going to fail that day.  Worried about all the things I should be doing, but aren’t.

What if I fill my timecard with things that don’t matter? Things that don’t count.  Things that aren’t enough.

But what if all God wanted to know that day, that year, that lifetime is… did you worship me?  Did you look to me?  Did you pursue righteousness and then repent when you didn’t get it all right.

To God a thousand years  is like a day and a day is like a thousand years. Maybe He isn’t as concerned with my time card than with my heart.  He said he did not want sacrifices buta contrite spirit.  He said that many would explain all the religious things  they did in His name, but He never knew them. God is not concerned about our to-do’s.  He is concerned about our hearts.  About our relationship with Him.

So how do we understand our value does not come from what we do, but also to walk faithfully in obedience to the law. 

What does it mean to pour out your life for the Lord and yet sit comfortably in your value regardless of what you do (or don’t do).

I don’t know, friend.  I don’t have the answers, and I haven’t figured it out.

But what I do know, friend, is if you wake up with a pounding in your chest worrying about how you will make the day worth it.

If you go to bed terrified that you failed.

Go to Jesus. Go to His Word. Listen for His voice. And obey. 

Remember all the ways that you have failed already.  And remember all the ways that God has shown His immense mercy and affection for you. 

Remember the sacrifice that was made for you, and remember the way that He lovingly formed you from the beginning knowing full well all the ways that we would fail. And counted it as worth it. He knew that we would not get it right. And He still chose to go through it with us. 

We are  so loved by the Creator.  So loved that He is not so much interested in what we produce as in our hearts that  produce it.  He wants us to be free. He wants us to walk in intimacy with Him. He wants us to, in His power, turn from our sin and failure. Not be haunted by it.  But to  lay it down and walk away from it into the arms of a Father who loves us. Who has forgiven us, and who will walk with us into righteousness holding His hand.