The Head of my House

For much of my life, I felt scared of my emotions.  Or maybe ashamed of them is more accurate. I really just didn’t want to deal with them.  They made me feel uncomfortable and weak. So I basically banished them to some unknown location deep inside somewhere and denied that they existed.  Seems effective, right?

At some point, I became so good at it that I think they forgot they were there.  And they became so trained that they really just sent themselves to their room without me even having to deal with them.

But at some point I think it got a little crowded in whatever space they had taken up residence and had a revolt.  All of a sudden, they started appearing in places that I didn’t expect. And to be honest it was kind of a nice surprise.  Like meeting a friend you hadn’t seen in years.

I thought maybe I was ready to rekindle a relationship with my feelings.  Many people I knew seemed to get along with theirs just fine.

So I slowly started to get to know them.  Asking them questions, like where did you come from?  What would you like to do? What is your perspective on our life?

It felt good at first.  Like I was discovering a new depth that I hadn’t before.  It felt freeing to be able to explore and not run in fear from all the feelings that came to the surface.

But slowly something started to change.  The more time and attention I gave to my feelings the more they seemed to demand of me.  They took up residence in my life, less like a guest, and more like controlling master. A co-dependent companion, asking a lot and not contributing much. Soon the overbearing feelings left me feeling enslaved.  Pushed and pulled in every direction, never feeling grounded.

My feelings demanded so much attention, it crowded out anyone or anything else in my life.  Soon I realized that not only was I tiptoeing around my feelings, fearful of the swings that could come without warning.  But I noticed others were tiptoeing too. There was a beast in the house, and I was the one that let it in.

Try as I might to stuff those feelings back where they came from they had grown to big for the room.  In the open air, fed by a healthy diet of attention, they had taken over and over run my house. There was no longer room for all of us to live comfortably.

While I had subjected myself to the whims of my feelings for too long, they needed to be subjected to something themselves.  They could no longer run this house. I invited in truth, and He hurried right over.

Truth had a conversation with my feelings.  He said that things had to change. They would be allowed a room in the house on the first floor with a door with no lock.  They could come and go, but they were no longer in charge. Truth was in charge, and my feelings had to chat with Truth before they made any decisions.  Truth can be trusted. Truth put everything in its rightful place. My feelings and I now lived as friends under the authority of Truth. Truth takes us both by the hand and leads us in the right direction.  Affirming and correcting. Bringing my house into balance.

So there is no need to lock away your feelings in fear.  But beware of how easily they will overpower you if given too much weight.  Bring in Truth. He is a person. He is trustworthy. He will never lead you astray.